Post date: Jul 12, 2014 3:36:53 PM
When I feel accused, it usually activates my defenses, and I move into a defensive posture. As we know from the practice of law (here in the US) one is thought to be entitled to “the best defense possible.” But what does the best defense mean in reference to the actual truth? It means the distortion of it. The best defense possible essentially means: representing the facts in as distorted a manner as possible, to make me look as good as possible, to serve my own interests (at the expense of the other) as much as possible, without getting caught in a lie (perjury). Notice that I didn’t say without telling a lie – just without getting caught in it. So making my best defense essentially means distorting reality in any way I can, to my own benefit, so long as I’m not obvious about it.
Towards this end, we all have an “inner attorney,” an array of defensive measures the we believe help protect us. But what we fail to see from our defensive posture is how much it will really cost us, not just in terms of distorting our reality, but in other ways as well. First, for me to be innocent, the other must be at fault, so defensiveness generates blame. Second, to prove my innocence, I have to misrepresent the whole picture, and only focus on the fault of the other, omitting my own culpability. If I have no culpability, then I have no responsibility. If I have no response-ability, then I will feel that I have no control over the things that go wrong in my life: I feel powerless. So defensiveness dis-empowers me and turns me into a victim. Third, if I am misrepresenting the facts, distorting reality, getting as close to blatantly lying as I can without getting caught, then others will experience me as a liar (because the other person often knows I am lying, even though they cannot prove it), and people will cease to trust me. So defensiveness destroys my relationships, which will eventually leave me isolated and alone. No one wants to befriend a liar.
So the next time you feel accused and start moving toward your own defense, remember what it will cost you to put the inner attorney out front. Maybe letting the inner attorney lead isn’t the best option…
Perhaps admitting your fault, and making amends on the way to the courthouse - ie, before the inner attorney’s get involved - really is the best option. Imagine that…