Post date: May 3, 2010 8:00:20 PM
Ever been asked that? Ever asked someone else that? Ever asked yourself that? I have. I think we all have. But what are we really asking? And what are the implications? I’m reminded daily of the many potential answers to the question by the ones that come to my mind, and the ones that come from others. But I notice that while there are many options, they often seem to have something in common: they often point to something external. A common formula goes like this: “Well I only did that because…” and then we go on to cite some other person, circumstance, condition, or ‘stimulus’ outside of us - something outside our control. And so it often seems to us that our actions are merely reactions to things in our environment, and so we say we did it “because…”
So why are we inclined to think this way? As I listen to our public discourse on why people do things, I observe the same consistency. Why did that kid take that gun to school and shoot people? Well, it’s because other kids were harassing him, or because his parents neglected or abused him. Why did that successful guy who has everything, including a beautiful wife, go and have an affair? Well, it’s because he has an addiction, or his childhood was unhappy, or he has poor attachment, or maybe his wife wasn’t having sex with him enough. Why did that woman have an affair? Well, it’s because her husband was a workaholic and never paid attention to her. Why did that kid drive so fast, wreck his car, and kill 3 friends? Well, it’s because teens are impulsive, and have poor judgment, or he was drinking or on drugs… Hear the similarity? The implication is always that we do what we do because of the forces in life that act upon us.
Many years ago, the public debate was centered around this question: “Is it Nature, or is it Nurture?” Today we might ask, is it the environment, or genetics? But both sides of this question have something in common: I don’t personally control either of them. Over the years, the constant trying to theorize why people do things within this construct, has quietly eroded any sense of personal responsibility. We’ve been conditioned to assume that behind every choice we make, there is a “sub-conscious reason” that we “really” made the choice – ie, that my choices are not volitional, or things unto themselves, but rather they are merely an appearance of choice, really driven by forces outside me or within me which are beyond my conscious control. The net effect is to turn our attention away from the fact that we acted in a certain way, and focus it on why we acted that way, with the “real” reason why being something beyond my conscious control.
“I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…” “I only did that because…” “Why do you make me…” “I acted wrongly, but it’s because I have an illness…” “You made me….” “I couldn’t because…” Any of these sound familiar? I know they slip out of my mouth now and then, maybe yours too. Would we be so quick to speak if we had to sign away our self-control, our integrity every time we used one? It reminds me of an old story about a man and a woman who lived in a garden: ‘well, the Woman that You put here with me, she gave it to me…’ and ‘well, the serpant..’ I suspect it’s an old problem.
But with all the focus in therapy and self help on the subject of Empowerment, I don’t hear much acknowledgment that how we think about the “causes” of our actions is the real source of our Dis-empowerment. Likewise, with the Christian focus on Self-Control and Christ-likeness, I don’t’ see a clear message that our subtle blaming is a central problem. Now I do believe that many good therapists and theologians have pointed this out before: I’m sure I’m not the first. But it still seems very prevalent. If I believe that my actions are caused by things outside my control, then I am giving away my power to those things. My only hope then is to change others, or the world around me, which of course is difficult to impossible. And in either case, highly frustrating, and that leaves me feeling powerless.
This points to a key Boundary issue: what do I have control over, and what don’t I? In Scripture, the idea of the fruit of the spirit points to the development of self-control. And many proverbs seem to value the same characteristic. But isn’t self-control just an illusion if everything I do is really caused by my genetics, or the influences of my environment, past and present? Yes – if that was the whole story. But I don’t believe that it is. Here is another thing we have all observed: how some children from the same family (common biology and environment) take very different paths. Also, how we can sometimes hold our tongue, rather than just react. Some people simply rise above their circumstances – even if it isn’t simple. How can they do that? Because there is a third factor in the mix: Our Will.
My will is the volitional, creative, active, aspect of who I am. My will is the part of me that acts on my genetics, and acts on my environment. My will is the true source of my power, the legitimate power delegated to me by my Creator. The power to have Self-Control. It’s a part of the Image that I bear. Now it certainly is true that my genetics and environment affect me, but what is also true is that I do not have to let them direct me. I can learn to act in ways consistent with the person I want to be, and turn from (repent of) reacting to the circumstances around me. I can learn how to choose my words, how to choose my actions, and I can learn how to gradually bring them into alignment with what I choose to value. That is Integrity. That is Self-Control. That is Empowerment. But there’s this one catch: I have to own my actions. I have to take responsibility. No more pointing the finger. No more blaming. I have to be willing to say, “The main reason I did that is because I chose to, and I can see that my actions missed the mark based on the fruit they produced.” Why I did it is no longer the issue, or should I say, distraction. Once I start to view my actions through this lens, changing my behavior becomes a matter of making a different choice. A much simpler task than trying to change others, or the world.
The simple truth is that Responsibility/Repentance is the doorway to Empowerment/Self-Control.